The Blond Magician
by Valdo
Summary: Many fictional worlds have been created by man, so why do we keep them apart? It is simply unfair that Edward Elric is unable to meet Aang, or, for that matter, Eragon. That is why we created the Gate theory. FMA/Avatar crossover
1. Prologue: Death

**AUTHORS NOTE- **Yes, this is short. Yes, that is why it's the prologue. Yes, the chapters DO get longer. And Yes, they do get better. R & R!

**Prologue**

I was dead. Once again, I was staring at the gate awaiting my fate. I do not regret my death. For Al, I would go through much more to make sure he was safe. My only regret was that my being gone would hurt him. Now, standing in front of the gate, I felt insignificant. As if nothing I did had mattered and everything had ended. I gave a small, pained smile. Unlike the previous visits to the gate, this time I had nothing left to lose. I had accepted death and whatever judgment would be given to me. The gate slowly crept open, showing the yawning darkness within that seemed to eat the light. The eyes of the gate-children stared at me as their hands began to reach out. "Goodbye, Al," was the last thing I said before the black hands grabbed me. Nobody noticed the tear sliding down my face.

Darkness. Pulled through the never ending black, whisked along to the other side of the gate. I acknowledged what was going on passively, I didn't care. Maybe I would end up in some sort of Afterlife, or maybe I would once again arrive at the London on the other side of the gate. Suddenly, I realized something was off. I could no longer feel the black hands. Opening my eyes, I saw why; in front of me where more gates. More than I could count. They stretched into the distance as if imitating the number of stars in the sky. Each gate was unique, with a different design imprinted on it. Some were decorated with numerous, small decorations that, if I decided to get closer, would most likely tell a story about where the gateway led. Other gates had only one, large carving that took up the entire gate. The only thing each had in common was the size: all gates were the exact same size, same general outline.

In front of me there were three gates clearly the closest. While some of them looked like it would take hours to reach them these three were only a stone's throw away. Walking closer to the gates, I noticed something out of the ordinary. On the leftmost gate was a rose. A soft red, it was so detailed it looked too real to be a carving. Upon closer inspection, the rose was wrapped almost delicately in a thorny vine. The thorns seem to gently cup the flower, giving the feeling of protection even being just a carving. The right door had two crossed swords on the front, carvings of snakes and mythical creatures dancing around the blade. A border of flowing waves skimmed around the door frame, but even that peaceful carving somehow seemed menacing. It gave off a hostile aura that practically dared me to try and approach it. But it was the middle one that caught my eye. It was one of the barest carvings I'd seen, with only one design on the entire gate. Twisting around it was a blue arrow, almost shining with an internal light. I could probably give a guess at the land the other two gates lead to, but this one had no clue to whence it might lead.

Reaching up, I softly touched the head of the arrow. Coincidentally, it was right in the middle of the door; halfway between the two sides. The arrow began to glow a bright white color, then the doors slowly creaked open. As I watched, transfixed, a soft wind began blowing. At first it was like a gentle breeze, enough to ruffle some papers. But then it began to blow harder, pulling the air through the gate. Soon it was hard for me to keep my balance in the gale. The wind began to slowly pull me towards the door and, with the smooth flooring, I could not stop myself. As I was pulled through the doors I passively wondered where it would take me.


	2. An Unglamorous Entrance

Authors Note: The female character introduced is OC, and you should not know her. She will be better introduced in Ch. 3. This is my first story, so excuse any mistakes in uploading the chapters or grammar. Thank you for reading.

**Chapter One**

**Viewpoint of a Traveler**

**Edward Elric**

I was falling. Tumbling head over heels, no clue whatsoever where up was. Heck, I didn't even know if there was an up in this strange new place! When I dared to open my eyes darkness met me. No sight or sound, nor feeling. It was a world of black, of nothing.

All at once, the surroundings turned a light gray\black color. I could see stars above me, feel the wind whistling by me, and see a small form lying next to me on the ground. Time to look at the situation: I'm in an unfamiliar land, no clue where it is, and a stranger is next to me. Then again, I hadn't looked at him yet. For all I knew it was the Easter bunny, if an ugly rabbit that resembeled a human.

Approaching him,I turned him (for he was a boy) onto his back and saw an 11, 12 year old with light brown hair. I saw a face I hadn't seen in years. "Al…" I whispered stunned. I had been with him for three years never seeing his face, only armor with his voice. To see him now, looking exactly how he had before the incident was just… mind numbing.

Giddiness set in. I had actually succeeded! Al was back in his body! But I still had no idea where we were, and I absolutely refused to let any harm come to my brother! In other words, find someplace safe, figure out just what the heck I'm doing here, and make sure Al is ok. I dragged his body over to a small tree that I was near, then proceeded to start slapping my unconscious brother in an attempt to pull him into the land of the living. For a while it seemed as though my attempts were in vain and he would sleep for infinity. I stopped after his face had become a bright pink and I laid my head against the bark and waited. I wasn't waiting for something, just... anything that required me moving. Or thinking. But for now, I was content to just sit there and wait.

After about five minutes Al finally opened his eyes. I first pinched myself to make sure I was not dreaming, and as the resulting pain caused my arm to go numb (pinching yourself with a metal arm isn't a very good idea), I ran over to greet my brother. Al stood up before me, a full 4inches taller than me, and he smiled as he said "Hello Brother." I frantically searched my mind for the correct words to say back to him, but I did not find anything of use, so I just repeated what he had said to me. "Hello broth…" Shouts filled the air, interrupting me. I spun around to see a strange girl with a huge grin on her face running out of a black building a stone's throw away. She looked about nine years old with long blond hair streaming behind her and bright, gleeful blue eyes. She was laughing like she'd just pulled a major prank and was getting away with it.

Suddenly, about fifteen men in strange, medieval-like armor came rushing out after her, yelling. Strangely, their words sounded familiar but with an almost indiscernible accent. As I listened, the words began to become clearer. Perhaps just by listening to the people talk my brain was adjusting itself to be able to understand them. Maybe I had just discovered an ancient form of telepathy! But now wasn't the time to think about the language. After all, I could figure it out later. Instead I should be worried about the fight about to break out.

The lead man threw out a punch, rather comical considering he was, what, twenty feet away from his target? 'What the… what kind of alchemy was that? That was FIRE flying out of his hand, with no alchemic array in sight. I then got the second surprise of the night when the girl skillfully jumped out of the way without missing a beat, racing into the abundant trees surrounding us. More shouts appeared, and it seemed they finally noticed me gaping at them. He shouted something sounding like "The weird golden headed girl-boy saw us losing to a girl. Kill him!" but I could've been wrong. He then took up that odd fire stance again and punched a fireball towards me.

As I was staring at these strange beings and stranger fire, I heard a scream coming from Al. I turned around to see Al being tackled by two of these armor-clad soldiers. As I was about to pursue my brother's captors, the two men behind me forced me into a pair of handcuffs. I attempted to kick the legs out from under my captors, but as I lunged for them a small blast of fire came toward my face. I used my auto-mail arm to block this attack and managed to get away, but as I continued to doge the blasts, I fell and hit my face on a rock. This ungraceful action was all the distractions they needed to grab me and bring me inside the black tower. I was then thrown, quite unkindly, into a large jail cell.

Obviously, I was not happy about being thrown into a cell in the middle of who knows where. The only good thing was that I could still see Al. The bad thing: apparently, Al was unconscious. Now, it was great he had his body back, but now was not the time to go all sleeping on me. I WAS FREAKING OUT HERE! I needed some actual help!

Okay, first things first; analyze the situation. I can barely understand what everyone else is saying (they have such an odd accent!) and I am in a very strange land. Like Roy, the guards could use strange flame alchemy, but it was unlike any alchemy I had seen before, and I've seen a lot of alchemy. My hands were movable enough for alchemy, and my cell was near the outside, leading to an easy escape route. Okay, that's something good. It's best to examine the surroundings without the threat of imminent death. Unfortunately, Al was in a cell to the right of me, separated by a thick metal wall and window.

I noticed an old man in the cell next to me. Loopy one by the looks of it. He was staring off into space, a dopy half-grin on his face. If this wasn't enough, he was clapping his hands as if swatting a bug. Or clapping to music only he could hear. Actually, it was rather creepy. But at least he wasn't acting as crazy with the guards gone. In fact, he seems to be analyzing us very uncrazy-like… Hold On! Why would a crazy guy pretend to be crazy? Well, that didn't make sense. Unless he was a spy! Ehhh… no, wait that was stupid. Why would a spy be in jail? Unless he was a spy for the other side! Wait, what is the other side? Okay, I'm confusing myself.

To prevent a headache, I decided to make little stone-airplanes and fly them. Because they were stone, they didn't fly very well. I settled for chucking them at the back of the guards head. Oops. I didn't mean to knock him out, how was I supposed to know he wouldn't dodge? For goodness sakes, that armor should be able to protect him! Then the old guy (the secret spy!) started laughing. Not a crazy, maniacal one (like I usually hear from old guys such as him), but a normal "that was funny" laugh.

"You're an odd one, aren't you," said the old man.

My 'intelligent' response was, "huh?"

"You are the first person that I have ever seen who can make those small stone 'Gliders'. You are also the first person that I have met who was brave enough to knock out a guard while in a cell, and thereby under the guards complete control. You are either very stupid, mentally unstable, or you have some type of plan."

"The closest thing that I have to a plan is an objective, and that is to find out where the hell I am"

Do not use such vulgar language young one. I'll have you know that we are currently residing in the Fire Nations High-Security jail, and they do not treat people such as you with much kindness. Even if you hadn't injured a guard with a stone airplane, speaking of that stone airplane, how did you make it? Are you from the Earth Kingdom?"

"What's the Earth Kingdom? Furthermore, why are the places named after elements? I mean, Fire, Earth, what's next; Rainbows?"

"To the first question, the Earth kingdom is a continent East of here where the Earth-benders live. To the second, the people who named the places were not very imaginative. They just named the areas after their style of bending. To the third, well, there is no Rainbow kingdom to my knowledge, but I would really like to go there. It sounds like a very nice place. The only other kingdoms are the Water tribes and the ex-Air benders."

"Ex?"

"Kid if you don't know about how the Air-benders were wiped out at the beginning of the war, you've been hiding under a rock for the past 100 years."

"Wait, there's a war going on? Between who?"

The man looked at me with an annoyed, but mostly confused expression. "Young one, are you sure you have lived here? No matter where you go, you can see signs of the Fire nation conquest. Unless there is a secret place separated from the Elemental Nations, there is absolutely no way you can remain ignorant of the war."

"That's the problem! I _just _got here, and suddenly some crazy people in masks are attacking us with something physically impossible! Alchemy without circles cannot exist (except in my case), and only fire alchemy can move fire to your will." Needless to say, I was getting rather frustrated. I was, however, learning some valuable information to be analyzed later.

"All fire bending can bend the fire, and it has nothing to do with circles. So long as you know the forms and are born of the Fire nation you can, as you called it, move fire to your will."

"But there must be a scientific explanation! Magic like this crazy bending doesn't exist, everything has to be explainable!"

"There is no known scientific explanation. Sadly, the quest for knowledge has recently dried out. Nobody cares how it happens, just that it does. But that isn't your problem right now. You are currently in the highest-security jail, and you have assaulted a guard. That by itself is reason for high penalties. In fact, just for trespassing on Fire Nation high-security area, you will most likely be executed. Certainly not released."

"Well, it doesn't really matter what they decide, 'cause I'm gonna get out really soon."

"And how do you plan to do that, youngster"

"Simple: Alchemy"

"You've mentioned that before. What is ala-chem-enny?"

I grinned my evil grin. "Watch this." Clapping my hands, I reached for the wall separating me from my (currently) unconscious brother, and worked my magic.


	3. An Almost NonSuicidal Plan

**Chapter Two**

**Viewpoint of a Midget**

**Ed**

"The chicken isn't chicken because chicken doesn't exist. It is all a figment of my imagination, or is it? Am I crazy, or is the world crazy?" Mumbled the guard as he unconsciously lay on the floor. This guard was the one that Ed had assaulted with the stone gliders, which apparently wasn't good for the man's mental health. In fact, this man now had as much mental power as tapioca pudding, and he made less sense.

The man started to babble again, this time focusing on a specific topic "I like pie… or do I. Yes I do on the Monday after the setting of the sun at exactly eight twenty six when the kitten moos and the cows eat the panther … maybe. NO I definitely do. Or do I? Hamster Pie. Panther pie. Chicken pot pie. Cow pie… is my favorite. PiePiePiePiePiePiePiePiePiePiePiePiePiePiePiePiePiePiePiePiePiePiePiePiePie **PIE!**

"**SHUT THE HELL UP RETARD**" I yelled at the iron-clad man on the ground who, of course, ignored me and started spouting gibberish again. I'd already tried throwing more rocks at him, but he magically managed to not get hit with even one. Apparently I had the bad luck of hitting people when I didn't want to, and missing horribly when I did (seriously- how did that chunk get stuck in the ceiling?). I ignored him again as I started to think of a plan to get all of us out of this prison without being detected. This was difficult because a now unconscious Alphonse was currently drooling on my Automail arm, which was probably not a good idea. Quickly pushing him off my arm and accidentally causing him to hit his head on the wall, I started to wipe the drool _shudder_ off my arm.

Across from my cell, the old man sat, mouth agape, staring at me with an expression of complete and total amazement.

"H-How did you…" he stammered,

"I already told you, Alchemy." I interrupted. I was getting just a bit annoyed by explaining it a hundred times. How could anyone not know about alchemy?

"You busted a hole through a wall made of pure TITANIUM without breaking a sweat. That's incredible!"

"I guess." Okay, his continued expression of stunned disbelief was creeping me out. Titanium is strong and all, but it was a rather simple alchemic circle. Anyone who has studied alchemy since childhood and dedicated their life to the science, becoming obsessed with everything to do with it and going so far as to lose your limbs in the name of alchemy could do it in a heartbeat. It wasn't that impressive, was it?

"Now why aren't you busting out of here right now?"

**"**Considering how well guarded this place is, killing the wall in a big shower of blue light and crashing boulders will bring everyone running. Not that we can't take them, but it will be a heck of a lot of trouble losing them and finding a safe place to stay."

**"**Then what is it you are planning?"

"How 'm I supposed to know? I'm the person that actually does stuff, not plan it." This is proven by the fact that I haven't thought of a non-suicidal plan since… well, ever. Fortunately, I've thus managed to survive any suicidal plans thus far. Almost.

"Well, you're an alchemist; don't you have some kind of magical seeing stone or something?"

"Alchemy is _science_, not magic. How many times do I have to tell you." I

"You destroyed a titanium wall with a circle. That's science?"

I paused for a moment and attempted to think of how using magical energies inside of my body was actually science. But, instead of giving the old coot a point, I settled to just yelling at him. "Hey, do you want to get out of here or not old man."

Ed-1, Old Coot-5 (He really got me good with that magic debate).

"My name is Iroh, young man, and I am not that old."

"Ya could've fooled me _Insert insult of choice here._" This guy was seriously getting on my nerves, and it was NOT because he was insufferably always right.

"Do not resort to such vulgar insults. Besides, I do not yet know your name. The rules of etiquette require you to tell me yours once you know mine.

"I Am Ed Elric, the State Alchemist. The youngest State Alchemist ever, and one of the greatest to ever grace the planet with its presence!!"

"Arrogance is not befitting of one so young. Anyway, isn't it time for you to come up with some kind of plan?"

"PIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIE"

(You forgot about this guy, didn't you?)

That day, Inspiration took the form of a half-awake and impressively incoherent guard lying on the floor in large, immensely obscuring armor…

"That's what we need: a diversion!" I cackled evilly, already planning how best to use the Pie Guy. This was going to be my first non-suicidal plan ever! Hopefully.

"A young man shouting 'pie' is not much of a distraction when three captives are running away, alarms blaring, and nobody can hear that man."

"I'm not talking about mister pie over there. I'm talking about ME making a, how you say, 'distraction' out front."

"How do you expect to get out front, past the guards, all without being stopped?"

"_That_ is where my skillful attack on the pie guard comes in handy."

A little bit later, I was walking down the hallway in armor about seventeen sizes too large. This armor was so _generously _donated by a certain insane guard on the ground, which I have decided to call Mr. Pie. I was then approached by two guards who looked as if they had, how you say, been hitting the bottle (quite hard in fact).

"Say, I don't remember seeing you around here?" said the first drunken man to me.

"Not many people seem to remember me." I said to the tall man, my voice echoing loudly in the oversized armor.

"Well, it's hard to forget someone so small" Said the first man, not realizing what horrors he was about to unleash upon the Fire Nation prison by saying that single statement to me.

Twitch

"Hey Fred, come over here. Check out the midget." This statement was like using a flamethrower in an oil tank. Alas, he would not be remembered fondly.

Twitch. Twitch

"Dude, I can barely see that guy he's so short" This was just plain stupid.

**TWITCHTWITCHTWITCHTWITCHTWITCHTWITCHTWITCHTWITCH**

Idiot number one looked back on the man who was to destroy him, me, only to be faced with a large metal bat; said bat then connected with the man's face, causing a major concussion, several lost teeth, and a bruise that would follow him to the grave.

Idiot number two soon received a dented skull, as well as a fear of large blunt objects and short people.

The screams of tweedle dumb and tweedle dumber soon caused many guards to come pouring into the hallway, only to be greeted with a large blunt object in their face and a maniacal grin. For now I wasn't Ed the alchemist, but rather Ed the homicidal maniac, and this new 

personality was here to stay. The demonic new version of me soon came across a room filled with all kinds of metal, explosives, and gunpowder. This caused a strange smile to cross my face. Boom time.

A few moments later, the prison was filled with gunshots, explosions, and screams, and a chant ("**PIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIE") **by a naked man with a large lump on the back of his head. The source of the gunshots and explosions was a Rambo-like visage of me. I was covered head to toe with guns, ammo, grenades, and many other "toys" that I had created using the gunpowder and metal I had discovered. Yes, it was fun to be an alchemist.

The prison soon became a war-torn battlefield. Bodies strewn across the floor, walls filled with holes, and many guards running for their life from me, Ed the homicidal maniac. All of this was caused by their mistake of calling me short, and I will make them regret ever doing me wrong. By thinking like this, a very…interesting personality was surfacing, and the thought that drove this new personality was equally interesting, the thought went something like this: **"I'LL KILL THEM!! SHOOT THEM UP! KILLKILLKILLKILL KILLLLL!! TRACK THEM DOWN, AND RIP THEIR LIMBS OFF ONE BY ONE!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" **

Homicidal thoughts aside, my plan was going exactly as I expected. I was creating mass chaos as Iroh was dragging my semi-conscious brother away from the prison, and into one of the volcanic craters that surround the place. I gave Iroh a flare gun so I can find him in the midst of the idiots. Should I've told him how to use it? Or what it does? Or not to look directly into the barrel while pulling the trigger? Ah well, I'm sure he knows what to do… with a deadly weapon… an old insane guy… with a gun… crap. I'd better go find him soon. Alas, phase two of Plan Non-Suicidal still needed commencing. (Big word- I'm smart)

To understand why Phase Two was needed, you must know that panic among these guards are short lived. After all, they're sane. Most of the prisoners, on the other hand, are not. Which is why Phase Two of Plan (almost) Non-Suicidal is to let all the prisoners run freeee. Free like little maniacal whales named Willie set on revenge and destroying the world. Such a nice thought.

I approached the cells and looked upon their faces. I saw many faces; some with scars, some with disfiguring features, some without disfigurements (Another big word- Yay!), some big, some mini big people, some creepy, some more creepy, and I think I saw a guy dressed up like a peacock. I was beginning to have second thoughts, but my previous thoughts about killing everyone destroyed them before they could worry me. It's nice to be a maniac; no stupid notions of sanity to hold you back.

Unfortunately, there's also a downside to being insane. You see, the insanity in my mind tends to win over, causing me to do bad things without realizing I'm doing them. Things like releasing prisoners more insane than I, telling them to kill everyone, giving them weapons, giving them more weapons, making them angry, telling them to sacrifice each other, collapsing vital support beams to make bigger weapons, cheering while the Security Prison is falling, burning the rubble left over, you know, that sort of thing.

Well, anyway, I was standing in the charred remains of what used to be a prison. Numerous people were streaming out of this area, the majority of them insane. Some because they got in my way, others because, well, they were born that way (like me!). I soon stopped laughing at the little people running around like headless chickens standing on hot coals, and I realized that maybe I should abandon my fun to find Iroh. Hopefully, he hadn't killed himself with the flare gun yet, but considering my luck I shouldn't get my hopes up.

I walked over to the tip of the volcanic cavern, looking down into the mass of darkness it contained. I started to feel at home as I walked into the grayness of the volcano. The world around me grew progressively darker as the night sky disappeared from view. Before I knew it a flare lit up the blank canvas in front of me, as well as singed my ponytail. Realizing this flare was most likely the result of Old Man Iroh doing something stupid, I started a light jog towards where the hair-killing flare had erupted from.

I soon caught up to Iroh, who was apparently holding the barrel of the flare gun up to his eye in the most unsafe manner imaginable. A soft mumble met my ears, sounding suspiciously like "How does this odd fire bending work? Maybe if I pull the lever I can see…" Needless to say, I was sufficiently panicking enough to use alchemy to make multiple hands erupt from the ground to immobilize and startle Iroh enough to make him completely forget about the gun he was holding, as well as make him scream bloody murder.

Unfortunately for me, Iroh started to look around for help, and saw me. With the alchemic lights still dancing around my hands. And my palms flat on the ground. And me laughing loudly at him. Now Iroh, being the calm, gentle, peace-loving, and kind person he is started to scream unintelligible at me and soon after started to threaten to do unspeakably horrible things to me if I did not let him out this instant. Yep, I was already starting to feel at home.

After Iroh's small temper tantrum, I decided to release him from the multitude of hands restricting his movement. Once down, he approached me, smiled, and proceeded to teach me why it was not a good idea to mess with him (use your imagination people).

Soon after he released me from the horrible tortures inflicted upon me (again-Imagination is needed) we once again began walking away from the Prison I had so recently destroyed. The remaining light faded, leaving an almost pitch black night. Sounds faded as well, leaving only the soft dragging of Al and the occasional moan I let out in memory of the tortures Iroh made me endure audible.

Without warning a shout of surprise erupted from the mouth of a certain old coot, causing the silence to come crashing down around us. It would seem that Iroh had walked straight into the low ceiling of a cave. As a stream of blood ran down his face, I decided that this cave was the safest place possible for the time being and walked inside. As I started to laugh at the bewildered expression Iroh was wearing I walked right into the wall, and fell straight on my back.

Because I instinctively close my eyes while laughing, I hadn't seen the turn in the cave. Stupid dark! Stupid Cave! Stupid painful Habits! My eyesight began to become fuzzy (though I couldn't really tell) and my consciousness began to slip away. A nap sounded good about now.


	4. Crazy Cave Child

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FMA or Avatar. I do, however, own Flubadug. Yay Flubadug!

**Authors Note: **This is the first time I've posted on the internet, first time I've attempted to write a story outside of school, first time I've tried to make a long story, first time I've attempted using humor, and I'd say I've done a pretty good job so far. Problem is, I'm going to have trouble writing the plot. Yes, I have it all planned out (though my brother helps… a lot. He actually does most of the planning part), but since this is my first time ever it'll take me a while to work out_ how_ to write it. I'm also only 13, and most of these authors seem a lot older than me. Thank you, all who read my story.

**Other Author's note:** This story shall last for a very long time, I can promise that. I can also promise that we will use the gate theory much more in the future, and that we will not allow the story to be confined to just one world. Now I must apologize for the delay in the release of the third chapter. You see my sister and I had gone on vacation for two weeks, and since we're too cheap to buy a laptop we couldn't write at all during that time. I apologize again for any trouble the delay caused you. Nonsense word of the week FLUBADUGADIGADUGADOGADUMADIG! A Cookie for those who can pronounce it! Cookies will be shipped to random addresses using the slowest means possible. And for me to send a cookie to someone I must receive a video! I don't care if the video is of you, or flubadugadigadugadogadumadig. I JUST WANT A VIDEO! Thank you.

**Chapter 3**

**Viewpoint of a Crazy Girl**

**Tensiira**

"Let's see… so far I've dyed all the Fire Nation uniforms bright pink, poured hot sauce in all food, dumped itching powder in all hair products, stolen keys for the cages, released top-security prisoners, made the higher ups think they are going insane (speaking straight to someone's mind comes in handy!), put gunpowder in furnaces, snuck large amounts of pigs and pigeons inside, forged orders for impossible, random stuff (dehydrated water, short circuits, buckets of steam, etc.), set exactly one-hundred loud alarm clocks to go off at exactly 3:00 AM, 3:30 AM, 4:00 AM, etc in obscure corners of important Fire Nation houses, tied important Fire Nation citizens to their bed, tossed a home-made smoke bomb into important Fire Nation buildings during important meetings, placed cling-wrap over all of the toilets, T-P'd important buildings, made a large number of Wanted posters for the Fire Lord, and a bunch of other random crap I don't bother to remember. I think I can honestly say that I have no further great ideas to piss off the Fire Nation. Maybe public embarrassment… but that takes too much time. Maybe I could mess with that new prisoner saw earlier today, but I would have to find out where he is kept. Ah well! I just need a little bit more patience…" I said to myself as I stared at the ceiling of the dark cave in the middle of Fire Nation, 'coincidentally' located right outside the Fire Nation Security Prison. I kept doing things like this to keep me from getting bored, and in doing so I would think up some kind of insane idea that will possibly get me killed, or worse, caught. But, of course, I wasn't thinking of the consequences, I was thinking about how nothing was happening!

Giving into boredom, I decided to do possible the craziest stunt ever. I wrote a letter to the head of the Fire Nation Security Prison, telling him exactly who was making a fool of them and how. They might as well know who their torturer is, and that there is nothing they can do about it. Taking parchment and a quill, I began my idiotic letter.

Dear any Fire Nation citizen who decides to read this;

As one evil mastermind to another, I decided to let you know just who has been making your life miserable. Over the last week, I've decided to make life as hard as possible for members of the Fire Nation through a series of non-dangerous, but extremely embarrassing and sometimes painful pranks. In case you haven't noticed, you have no chance of catching me. Just so you know, I am not a member of the Fire Nation, Earth Nation, Water Tribes, or former Air Temples. I do not know any bending, but I take great joy in showing off what I do know. Not that I'll be telling you that. That would be even stupider than this letter. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you've been constantly outsmarted by a 9-year old girl unable to bend. By the way, I was the one you were chasing out of the Security Prison yesterday.

Good Bye, and Good Luck!

Tensiira

I nodded in satisfaction at the letter: crazy, insulting, and to the point, just like me. I sat a moment, contemplating what the letter did not say, often more important than what it did. One major thing that it didn't say was how in the world I am able to do all of these pranks, the answer to which is quite simple, magic.

It may sound unreasonable to any sane person, but it is absolutely true that I am able to perform all kinds of feats using what some would call "magical powers" and what most insane people call 'Flubadug' (I don't know why they call it that. Maybe something about the insane part). These powers were gained using the other thing I can do; travel between worlds. Now this seems even more unruly then the idea of magic.

When I previously told people about this power, they pronounce me insane (I say Flubadug!) and start yelling at me, saying something unimaginative like "There isn't any other worlds you idiot!" I usually then open a pathway to some other world, flick the person off as they stare in awe, and leave cackling to myself.

Now before this happens to you (and believe me, it will) allow me to explain. Each world with intelligent life is connected to others intelligent life (something to do with energy given off by living beings). Specifically, they are connected by hundreds and hundreds of doors, or gates, which all lead to a large room located in a different dimension. These doors are identified by markings carved onto their surface.

They are also controlled by people like me, and they are under my complete and utter control. By using these doors, I can travel to wherever I want. Yes, even to say hi to a TV show featuring a large purple dinosaur with an off-key singing voice (my version of hi is to punch him in the face).

Recently I decided to move to this world, filled with strange creatures, evil armies, and twelve year old heroes. I decided to do this for a simple reason, unlike the world I previously lived in, this place didn't have giant orc-like creatures that wanted to consume my flesh. If you haven't already figured it out, the world I stayed previously to this world of unimaginative names was named Alagaésia.

Alagaésia is the world in which I learned magic, by means of an overly complex language called the Ancient Language. In case you aren't from Alagaésia, the Ancient language is, as the name implies, a language that in comprised of the true name of every single thing. Names, of course, mean everything, and if you know the true name of something you can control it to a certain degree. While Masters have complete control over that object, beginners have to spell out exactly what they want and it cannot be too complicated. While I'm not a master, my skills are quite good.

There is another half of the Ancient Language; something that those unrefined would call "mind reading." It is, in fact, the power to open your mind and sense the presences and, occasionally, thoughts of others. It is somewhat like telepathy, but much more complicated and useful. I can do anything from merely sensing someone's emotions and intents to discovering all their memories and deepest thoughts of their subconscious. Of course, I put this power to "good use."

A normal person's definition of good use would be for becoming super rich dictators or saving the world from mentally unstable nutcases (I'm looking at you Fire Lord Whose Name I Forgot) but my definition is something completely different. To prank and annoy the heck out of anyone I want to. My favorite prank was when I talked mind to mind with important Fire Nation people, insulting them at the most inopportune moments such as at important meetings.

Occasionally, I would pretend they were going insane or that I was their conscience (at which point I would tell them that all of their underlings were planning to kill them). My favorite reaction was when, at war meetings, these people would suddenly yell out statements such as "Shut up!", "Who art thou to insult such a high dignitary!", or "This is all a figment of my imagination!" My favorite scenario ended with that building in flames. Good times, good times.

Just as I was about to reminisce about past pranks and the resulting catastrophes, the soft sounds of footsteps appeared outside. These footsteps were soon followed by a loud thunking noise, accompanied by muffled cursing. This noise was followed by another thunking noise, and the sound of a person hitting the floor. These noises were most likely caused by some intruders walking into the low ceiling of the cave, which I personally find hilarious. For some strange reason, I enjoy seeing someone in pain due to their stupid actions. Softly chuckling, I decided to find out who the idiot that walked into a wall was. This time, I was going to forgo my usual stupid antics, of meeting him face to face, instead I would be a bit more elusive using magic. In addition to making me feel like agent 007, it would be good practice too.

I called the moisture at the mouth of the cave together, thus creating a dense fog obscuring all sight. This part was rather easy, taking just a few simple whispered words. It didn't even take up much energy: I was just manipulating liquid that already existed. Canceling the illusion I'd placed on the wall next to me was the next step. I'd chosen this cave because of the small passageway that connected to the front of the cave. It was a perfect measure against any intruder and an emergency exit just in case. Slipping through the passages small entrance, I allowed a cheerful grin. My moment of boredom had passed.

SPLISH! "I should've cleaned this place before," I grumbled, no trace of my cheerfulness left. Scores of spider webs crisscrossed on the ceilings while puddles of who-knows-what covered the floor. Apparently, I'd just sploshed my way through a particularly foul smelling one. Note to self- dark, damp passageways are extremely disgusting. And dark. And cold. And dripping. And wet. And hard. And weird. And splishy. And splashy. And splooshy. And spleshy. And squeaky. And squawky. And filled with rocks. And had ceilings. And walls. And no windows. And completely un-cheerful. And not filled with anyone being tortured; I miss the screams. And not made of cheese. And missing anything of poofiness. And a lot of other stuff. Why was I in this passageway again? Oh yeah, I was bored and I heard some funny noises outside. Idiots walking into walls.

I soon saw some light, or rather the flickering flames of a campfire the guy (who MAY or MAY NOT have walked into the wall) had created in MY cave. The question now is, why is he in my cave and why did he create a fire!? I mean for goodness sakes darkness isn't so bad… is it? I soon turned my attention away from the fire that was now mocking me, and toward its maker.

He was getting on in his years. With gray hair, wrinkles, and an air of wisdom gained from many years, but he also gave off a feeling of strength; a fighter's strength. Looking closely, I recognized him from the Security Prison I'd taken to pranking. But I'd never pranked him because, unlike most of the Fire Nation, he had my respect.

His name was Iroh, and he was a famous Fire Nation General. But he was different, and didn't let his fame get to his head. He was very laid back, accepting his defeats with grace and cared much for his family. If I remember correctly, he was thrown in jail for helping his nephew, even when it went against the Fire Lord. Despite his sometimes idiotic attitude, he was very clever and intelligent. _He_ was someone that would be very interesting to watch, particularly since he'd gotten out of his cell. I would have to find out what happened to let him out- it would be an interesting story for another time. Next to him I saw two young boys, apparently asleep. Their faces were blocked from view, though I could hear Iroh mumbling about them. Very quiet grumbling, but I managed to catch the word "Alchemy" among the other unintelligible syllables.

Alchemy? Where have I heard about Alchemy before…? Okay, I KNOW this. OH YEAH! There the weird English people in that odd place, um, Amestris! I was there for a short visit (just a few days) not long ago! But why would Iroh know about it? Alchemy doesn't exist here, and it would be impossible for anyone else to know even the word. So how does he know?

The old man shifted slightly, revealing the face of the young boy. He couldn't have been more than twelve, but his face seemed somehow familiar. He had sandy, light brown hair and a childish face, looking rather peaceful despite his bleak surroundings. He looked like an average kid, but I could've sworn I've seen him somewhere before.

I switched my view to the last member- a short, blond haired kid. He was lying next to the sandy headed kid, but seemed different. His face had a hard look; that of a person who's lived a tough life with few comforts. He looked small for his age, but I noticed muscles betraying strength unparallel to his size, long sleeves and gloves in the heat of Fire Nation, long and braided golden hair, his visible wrist slightly glinting… Glinting? Arms do not sparkle, and even if they did they weren't gray! Looking closer, the small space between his shirt and glove where his arm _should _be was actually metal. It had the telltale signs of Automail as well. But, Automail didn't exist here either, only Amestris. Was he from Amestris? That would certainly explain why the old man knew about Alchemy. The sandy haired kid was probably also from Amestris; perhaps he and the other kid were related somehow? They did look a bit similar. The old man however was a former fire nation general, and definitely not from anywhere other than the Fire Nation, so what was he doing with two kids from another world? "Well, this group is turning out to be very interesting" I thought as I spied on the group.

Getting bored at their inactivity, I decided to start messing with the old man's mind. After all, it's what I do best. Ah the choices: should I be the voice in his head, the homicidal thoughts, an annoying sound he can't get rid of, or I could mess with his perception of the area around him- thus making it seem like the cave is closing in on him with no way out… or I could make the fire big. Really Big. Really Really BIG! With millions and millions of hands coming up from the ground, pulling him down into a dark abyss to his imminent demise! That would really mess with him. Then again, I could just jump out of the (supposedly) solid wall and scare him. I'll go with the big fire, but haunted by the spirit of the cave (voice done by yours truly). As I laughed and started to set up the prank I began to think that maybe, just maybe, I enjoy doing this a bit too much… Nah!

In the midst of preparing the big fire and deciding what voice is the right 'evil cave god' voice, the blond boy started mumbling in his sleep and giving the average signs of a grumpy teen (The second worse thing you'll ever face. The first is a hungry teen… but wait, what if the teen's grumpy AND hungry… Madness!) about to wake up.

Gold slits could be seen between his eyelids as he rose from his position on the cave floor. Immediately after gaining his full, sitting up height (which was surprisingly… tiny) he grasped his head between his hands and uttered a stream of mumbled curses. Thus, my impressive detective skills lead me to believe that he was the idiot that ran into the wall. But now that a second idiot was awake, the old man might not think that he is going insane- the other kid would be seeing the same things. I decided to cut my losses before the last of the idiots woke up, and initiated plan "Demonic Underground Monster Bellows" or plan D.U.M.B for short (The abbreviation is… unfortunate).

I started the plan slowly, making the fire grow in size at a very slow rate, about an inch higher every minute. Soon, the inches built up and the two idiots finally noticed the now five feet high pillar of fire. Going on to phase two of my plan, the flame started to take shape. Two arms erupted from its side, a head and neck sprouted upward, and a demonic face took shape on the new head. After the mouth had appeared, I synced it to mine to avoid any kind of timing mess ups, and I began to speak in my "Demonic Cave God" voice.

"VILE HUMANS," I boomed, "HOW DARE YOU TRESSPASS UPON HOLY GROUND. LEAVE NOW OR suffer my curse. IF YOU DON'T LEAVE AS I COMMAND, I SHALL RIP YOUR ORGANS FROM YOUR CHEST. I SHALL STICK MY HAND DOWN YOUR THROAT AND BURN YOU FROM THE INSIDE OUT. I SHALL GOUGE YOUR EYES OUT, RIP OFF YOUR LIMBS, AND USE THE REST OF YOU AS TEST SUBJECTS FOR NEW FORMS OF TORTURE. IF YOU DON'T LEAVE I PROMISE YOU THAT YOU WILL FACE A LIVING _HELL_."

I peaked at the two idiots, expecting them to be tripping over each other in a mad dash to the entrance. Instead they were charging headfirst at the beast I had created. Sigh… my master plan failed due to their unpredictable actions, AKA stupidity. I quickly maneuvered the flame monster away from the two, and soon afterwards launched a counter attack. If only I knew firebending; it would be much easier, but I think I would do just fine with the Ancient Language.

I manipulated my flame monster as far away from the two as possible to get some distance, then I had the beast of flames shove its arm-like things into the earth. I forced some of the flames making up my creation to go underground, grow some more, then erupt into pillars of flames around my two idiot opponents. The old man easily dispelled some of the flames around him with some firebending technique I know nothing about. The (still unconscious) sandy-haired boy just sat their sleeping. But the golden-haired kid ran straight through the flames unconcerned of the great heat and pain fire brings, and apparently not caring that his clothes would catch on fire and cause him even more pain. My guess is he is the "Think? Nonsense!" kinda guy.

Ignorant of the flames currently burning his clothes and skin, he clapped his hands together, and then pressed them onto the ground. Blue lightning erupted in a circle around where he had pressed his hands, and immediately afterwards a stream of rock and dirt was sent flying at my fire masterpiece. As my precious creature recoiled from the flame smothering earth, the insane blond-haired kid followed up his attack by placing yet another alchemic circle on the ceiling. Afterwards, there was a large crash, and dust filled the air. I looked at the area where my flame beast had been, only to see a large pile of rocks with smoke pouring out of the crevices.

I groaned, extremely angry that my plan was so easily thwarted. I yet looked back into the main cave to find the old man looking almost directly at me, straight at the wall to my right. A rather boring stretch of wall. There wasn't any person hiding there, nope, it was a boring wall that he was looking at. A boring wall indeed.

"Please come out now, we know you're here somewhere." He said in a calm, clear voice.

'_Who, Me?_' I thought as I looked at the old man from the shadows. I soon started to fidget; you see this was all very new to me. My trick hadn't ever been thwarted so easily, and most people actually believe that holy ground crap. Nobody had actually thought it was the work of a deranged madwoman like me before. I attempted to think of a plan, but the approaching steps of Idiot junior and idiot senior for some reason prevented me from thinking clearly, maybe it has something to do with the fact that they quite easily destroyed one of my most powerful creations. I mean come on, if they're that strong than I might not be able to send them screaming into the night, and how can I torture them without first overpowering them? I could probably beat them one on one, but that's no fun. No fun at all.

I sat for a bit, listing to their footsteps growing ever closer, and wondering how the heck I could reduce these men to quivering puddles. Then, inspiration struck. '_If I can't scare them out of their wits with physically stuff, then why don't I do it mentally'_ I thought. But before I start something new I have to list what I've done previously in the most calm, intelligent, and organized way possible. Making the fire spell it out in Morse code! Although I don't know Morse code, so it'll just be random dots that I call Morse Code for Idiots. YAHOO! And then in the middle of the room (where everyone with eyes can read it) I shall post it and it shall be good!

This is what it's supposed to say:

_Mission Report! Plan A- Failure_

_Plan B- … do I have one?_

_Plan C- Throw cheese on them. Wait, I don't have cheese… and further more I haven't done that yet so how could I report it? … Darn it!_

This is what it says:

..-. .-.. ..- -... .- -.. ..- --.

Fire suddenly blazed up from the ground, forming the Morse Code for Idiots sentence I created. It has not yet been confirmed that the Morse Code for Idiots actually says something. But who cares, I saw the blonde start to read my message.

He stared at the 'message' intently for a (seemingly) long time until the old man placed his hand on his shoulder, looked him in the eye, and asked "Well are you going to stare at the fire all day, or are you going to help me look for whoever made it?"

"Hold on a sec," the blond boy said, "I think this is a message in Morse code."

"Morse what?" the Old man asked with a quizzical look.

"Morse code, an alphabet made up of dots and dashes. I think that whoever created that weird fire monster is trying to send us a message."

"Well what does it say?"

"I…I'm not even sure if it's a word."

"What does it say!"

"I'm really not sure if I read it right."

"WHAT DOES IT SAY!!"

"It says… Flubadug."

"What?"

"Flubadug."

"I don't think that's a message."

"Somebody sent it to us, which means it's a message. But just because it's a message doesn't mean it means anything. Well let's get back to finding the jerk that sent us the fire monster and meaningless message."

"Agreed." The old man stated as he began to walk around the cave again.

'_Well, the mission report is done_' I thought to myself '_Now time for plan B… wait I don't have a plan B._' I sat around thinking about what this "Plan B" would be. I finally decided that I would just do the most normal, sane, and intelligent idea that popped into my head… Wait a minute THAT'S IT. I should try to induce insane thoughts into the two idiots' minds, and turn them against each other. First though, I have to find out what kind of thing would set either one of them on a murderous rampage.

I briefly peered into their minds, and learned a small bit about their basic personalities (I prefer not to invade their privacy too much), Like how the old man loves tea, how he was once a fire-nation General, how the other person's name was Ed, and how he would fly into a murderous rampage whenever he was called short, but I didn't learn anything that could set the two against each other… or did I?

We have here a psychopathic maniac who kills everyone in sight whenever the word 'small' is implied. If Iroh were to say the word (with some… mental probing from me) Ed would be sent into a murderous rampage, and with any luck the following fight between him and Iroh might wipe both of them out.

I began my plan by speaking to Iroh in a calm and velar voice "Hello Iroh," I said "this is your conscience speaking. Tell me, haven't you wondered what would happen if you called Ed short? It would be an interesting experiment, wouldn't you agree…"

I got no response, so I decided to try again.

"You know Iroh, it's not a good idea to ignore your conscience. I'll be with you forever, no getting rid of me. After all, I'm a part of you that can slowly drive you insane. I've done it before, and I can do it again."

I heard the equivalent of a mental sigh, and then Iroh thought (to me!) "Little girl, I highly doubt you're my conscience. For one thing, you're a young girl's voice and I'm an old man. You also referred to the fact that you've driven people insane before, and I've never gone insane before. "

I stared at the new bane of my existence- Old Man Iroh. Old men were considerably harder to drive insane, but now he's questioning the voice in his head- Me! Not to mention he brought up some pretty good points… Ah well, time to improvise!

"Hey, you have gone insane before! You just didn't know it- that's how insane you were! Maybe you'll remember when you grow up and become smartical (I like making up words) like me." There, my perfectly sound logical comeback.

This time, Iroh's mental voice just sounded annoyed. "Young girl, I have already grown up. And 'smartical' is not a word."

I glared. Not just any glare, but my death, pain, and torture time glare. THIS GLARE WAS RESERVED FOR THOSE WHO INSULT MY GENIUS WORDS! SMARTICAL IS COOL, AND IF I WANT IT TO BE A WORD THEN IT IS! AND IF ANYONE DARES QUESTIONS MY AUTHORITY TO MAKE UP WORDS THEN THEY SHALL PAY!!

As I was glaring, Ed had gone up to my sworn enemy, puzzled by why he was standing around for so long, and asked "Why aren't you looking anymore Old Man? Did you hurt your back or something?"

Iroh Stared into space a bit more and answered "Well somehow the person responsible for the fire monster and the 'message' had entered my mind, and is masquerading as my conscience, and is trying to make me call you short… I'm not really sure why though. Weird isn't it… Ed… Ed I asked you a question."

Iroh looked back at Ed, wondering why he wasn't answering, to see the pint sized person starting to enter "Homicide mode."

"You O.K. Ed?" Iroh asked in a worried tone.

"That fire monster creating freak called me short." Ed answered.

"Ed maybe you should sit down." Iroh said, very worried about his companion. Mostly because last time he went Psychopathic he completely destroyed the building he was in, and scarred many poor souls for life.

"They called me short!" Ed repeated.

"Ed?" Iroh muttered, now starting to back away from the human equivalent of a time-bomb.

"THEY CALLED ME SHORT!!" Ed screamed. His mind was beyond all coherent thought. His only goal in life was now to utterly destroy whoever had insulted his height. He flew at the wall, fists raised; punching randomly at everything he could get his hands on. His fists eventually reached the wall of the cave, and they then began to drill large holes in the rock.

"COME ON OUT!!" Ed screamed, "I PROMISE I WON"T KILL YOU… MUCH!!"

I looked at him. His psychopathic murder mode was a bit more… murderous than I expected. Too bad his anger was aimed at me; it would've been very fun to see him dismember Iroh.

Soon after the destruction of a few more sections of walls I decided it wasn't a good idea to stay in the same general area as Evil Ed. Especially since the roof looked like it was about to cave in at any moment. Did you know that falling ceilings can hurt you? And hurting is Bad, so shame on you falling ceiling!

Well anyway, I decided to forgo my usual rant and decided to walk away. But it felt wrong to just walk away when I could be talking about how ceilings… fall. And rocks… hurt. And are very good for pranks… NOPE, No I said NO rants. Are you listening to me, me? NO RANTS: ESCAPE FROM FALLING CEILING NOW RANT LATER!

Then the ceiling fell. On top of me. Fortunately it was just a small section of the ceiling. One that I could easily get out of. Unfortunately, the falling ceiling caught the attention of the evil murderous Ed, who for some reason didn't look very happy. I wonder why… But anyway, Ed soon started to approach me, looking more evil and cruel every step.

I looked behind Ed toward Iroh, mustered my most pathetic puppy dog eyes, and yelled out "Hey you wouldn't let this guy kill your conscience… Would you?"


	5. Why me? THE CRAZY CAVE CHILD RETURNS!

**Disclaimer**- I do not own the rights to Fullmetal Alchemist, Avatar, Naruto, Bleach, Inuyasha, Harry Potter, or any other published work of fiction (Yet). I also don't own the Crimson king or the blasted lands (That's Stephen King's creation). I do own a computer and an imagination, however disturbed it might be.

**Authors Note**- Valdo (my brother) and I had a bunch of ideas for one-shots, so he insists on working on them a bit. Did you ever wonder what might happen if you combine Monty Python and Naruto? I will sue you if you use that idea before I can. I WILL FIND YOU!! I'm just saying this so you won't criticize me on taking too long on this chapter. Be satisfied with the insane length of nothingness Then we went on vacation and the laptop broke, though that didn't really do anything since our STUPID FLASHDRIVE REFUSED TO WORK!! _I COULD SEE THE FILE BUT IT JUST WOULD NOT LOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAD!!_ hi

**Other Authors Note**- I AM HAPPY!! In this chapter we get the first actual plot-line going. Now some people say that you can't have a story without some sort of plot line, but I disagree. I have read stories that keep having the same things happen again and again and again and again. I call these plot circles, which is much different from a plot line. But wait. Isn't a circle just a line twisted around so that the beginning and the end are welded together, and if so is a plot circle considered a plot line... My brain hurts. It does that a lot.**NOTE**- Due to the length of this chapter we decided to move that plot line thingamajig to the next chapter. This is mostly just 9,000+ words of more nonsense!

**Nonsense word of the week**- DAU… my computer thinks that it's a word. My computer also does not have a definition, synonym, or anything else that indicates that DAU means something. My computer is an idiot. Flubadug to you all. Flubadug…

**Chapter Four**

**Viewpoint of a Fallen General**

**Iroh**

I looked at my insane new companion, and almost sighed. My traveling companions always seemed to be a bit… overenthusiastic about certain things. Such as being called short, as the case seemed to be. But I never thought he would be so… angry as to attack a young girl merely because she insinuated that he was small. Then again, the girl was also appeared to be the person who made a giant flaming monster attack us and proceeded to speak into my mind.

She was obviously a bit immature for her age, as shown by the childish mental argument we shared. The question was, how could she speak mind to mind? It would go unanswered if I didn't stop Ed from using her corpse for target practice. Corpses don't speak much.

I stepped beside Ed, grasping his ponytail in my hand. This effectively stopped his advanced on the girl with the added bonus of having him turn around and scream at me.

"WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?! SHE CALLED ME SHORT! SHE MUST DIE!"

"Ed, don't you think you're taking this a bit too far? Sure she insulted you, but she could be a good source of information. Don't you want to know how she managed to make and control that beast of fire, or how she was able to speak mind to mind?"

Ed slowly turned his head towards me while giving me his best death glare. "I don't want any logical reasons to stop me." he said in a slightly calmer voice underlain with the death of thousands, "She called me short. She must die."

"Logical reasons are generally better than emotional decisions. And, in reality, she never actually said you were short. I was told to say you were short, which, though implies you're not tall, might not mean that she actually thinks you're short." Ed looked at me. And looked some more.

"I stopped listening a while ago, but you said the words 'she' 'implied' 'I' 'short,' which leads me to believe that you're confirming my opinion that she deserves death and torture and more death." Ed turned back to the girl, probably to attempt murder, only to find a pile of rocks with nobody in there. Apparently, the young girl had snuck off while I was trying to convince Ed that another psychotic spree would not be good in the long run.

Ed snarled (Yes snarled, like a rabid dog) and turned around wildly in an attempt to find the blond haired demon-child again. He was, apparently, too furious to speak. Otherwise I'm 

sure he would be screaming obscenities at the top of his lungs.

Then a soft sound reached our ears. It started off slow and quiet, so much so that it was incomprehensible. Soon enough, the sound had grown loud enough for me to comprehend.

"Poke… Poke… Poke.. Poke.. Poke. Poke. Poke." That single word, repeated like a mantra. The sound's source seemed to be near where I had made a fire previously. I quickly glanced in that direction to see the small girl poking my companion's unconscious brother with a long twig.

"Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. PokePokePokePoke…" She chanted as she prodded the young man's head.

I glanced over at Ed, extremely worried about how he would react to seeing this girl, who he already wanted to kill, poke and prod his brother. As to be expected, he didn't receive the girl's actions very well. His eyes were almost completely bloodshot, the veins of his neck were protruding far from where they should be, and foam was pouring from his mouth (figuratively speaking, of course. Ed did not have Rabies… I think).

"What are you doing to Al?" Ed asked, sounding more beast than human.

"You were talking like I wasn't there. So I decided I wouldn't be there. Then I got bored, so I decided to poke him with a stick. I think he's dead."

If I wasn't so stunned by her idiotic behavior, I might have been surprised by the… childlikeness of her response. Ed wasn't stunned at all. He was angry. Very angry. Extremely angry. Most likely angry enough to put my dear nephew to shame.

Ed rushed toward the small girl, pressing his hands together as we went. The blue lightning that came as a result of his alchemy shot out of his pressed palms. I wondered what he was using his strange magic for, and I soon found out as his right hand extended, flattened, and transformed into a short sword. In the back of my mind I wondered how his alchemy could transform flesh and blood into cold hard steel, but I was too preoccupied with escaping from the now armed madman as he swung his metallic limb at his foe.

"**HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO MY BROTHER!!**" he screamed at the girl, as she skillfully evaded his swings.

"I already told you why, I mean don't you ever listen to rants? They can be very informative, and fun, and cool, and funny, and long, and boring if you do them too long, and even more informative, and even cooler than regular cool, and…"

"**I DON'T CARE ABOUT RANTS; I USUALLY HEAR THEM ON A DAILY BASIS FROM ALL KINDS OF MAD SCIENTISTS AND THE SUCH!!**"

"Well then you should know how informative, and fun, and cool, and funny, and long…"

"**DIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!**"

"You're not very fun," the girl pouted. Ed was now fully in homicidal mode; slashing with his arm-blade alchemy at whatever crossed his path. Which, unfortunately, included the walls. Now, the walls supporting the ceiling had already been subjected to one of Ed's rages just a few minutes ago. The support was dangerously weak, posed to fall at any time. The fact that Ed was attacking it didn't help.

Cracks appeared in the ceiling as it rumbled in protest of the two fighting idiots. Ed and his opponent ignored the sound of their approaching doom, choosing instead to make it come even faster. By this point the supporting walls were non-existent, or almost. It was almost a miracle the cave was still (mostly) standing. That was when the first chunk of rock fell.

Instead of doing the 'responsible' thing (stopping the fight between a psychopath and a fool), I decided to calmly exit the cave and leave the two to duke it out in the death trap.

Showers of rock and dust (mostly dust, with a few rocks mixed in for flavor) began raining, obstructing my view so only vague shapes could be seen. And the sounds of fighting were still going strong. Looking back towards the fighting two, I recognized a small figure lying near the old, burned out fire. Apparently, everyone had forgotten about Ed's brother.

Not taking the time to think clearly (if I had I would've seen the collapsing ceiling), I ran back into the battlefield, dodging falling things as I went. Sprinting, I reached the unconscious young man. Just in time to have the largest chunk of ceiling rock yet start to fall. Right above us.

I grabbed the boy and dragged him away from the falling chunks and, hopefully, towards the exit. Or was it the entrance? Regardless, I was running towards the outside while trying to ignore the ever loudening rumbling. The two were still fighting strong- I'm not sure if they just didn't realize that they were about to be crushed by rocks, or if they didn't care. Ed was in psycho mode, the girl was already crazy. Or stupid, rather difficult to tell the difference with her.

While I was staring at the two, and running in the other entrance, I did the one thing the laws of physics demands. I ran into something. That something was the giant pile of rocks previously the entrance to the cave. That something was also the thing preventing us from leaving through the only exit. At least, the only exit I knew of. But surely, if the girl was living in the cave, she would have had the foresight to create a second exit. She's not so crazy as to do something so stupid… right?

Dodging rocks while carrying a boy while searching for another exit wasn't an easy task. Eventually, a small glimmer caught my eye. I looked straight up, to find a door. At the top of the cave ceiling. Completely inaccessible to anyone without wings. Also completely useless to me.

A small sign was tacked to the door, saying in big, bold letters _**"DOOR IN THE CEILING**_**" **I stopped for a moment at the sheer stupidity of putting a door in the ceiling. Which is most likely fifteen feet off the ground. You know, this is probably why I'm worried about today's youth.

The rocks had mostly stopped falling by this point, although the ceiling looked rather… unstable. Numerous boulders littered the ground, and dust was still settling. A disturbing amount of the rocks seemed to be centered around me, which didn't inspire the happiest feeling.

"You've found my door in the ceiling!" Thus said the voice of a certain, mentally unstable girl. I looked to my right to see the aforementioned girl sitting on a struggling Ed while yanking his ponytail at regular intervals (he really should cut that ponytail off. Too many people seem to enjoy grabbing it). She was still smiling at me despite having a screaming Edward cursing at her.

"Yes I have," I said to the insane young lass, "But I cannot open it from where I'm standing."

"That's why it's in the ceiling. That way only I can open it- with the big stick I put under the door so I wouldn't lose it."

I looked beside me and, sure enough, there was a large metal pole with a hook on the end. My idea that she was a complete idiot was reinforced to a degree where I believe not even the most optimistic of people could question it. The girl had stopped paying attention to me; 

choosing instead to torture Ed more. She was currently in the process of tying Ed up with some rope (I'm not sure where that rope came from), then hanging him by his legs from a rock outcropping. Needless to say, Ed was beet red from screaming so much. And the blood now rushing to his face. Mostly the screaming though.

Looking away from this… disturbing scene, I attempted to open the ceiling door. Hooking the handle proved difficult due to the unusual fact that it kept moving. That's right, the handle of the Ceiling Door was constantly switching directions and appeared to be running away from my hook.

"Yay! It's a MAGIC door! You'll NEVER figure out that if you hold the hook in one place for a little bit then the hook will latch onto it and you can open the door. NEVER!! NEVER EVER **EVER** EVER!"

I, once again, was dumbstruck by her stupidity. At this point Ed had fainted from the blood rushing to his head. "Young girl, you do realize that you've just told me how to open the door in the ceiling."

"Yes, yes I do."

"And that you also told me that only you could open the door."

"Uh-huh"

"Why."

"Dau de dum doe doda de Dau."

"You're not going to give me a meaningful answer, are you."

"FLUBADUG!!"

"… Is that a no? In fact, is that even a word."

"It IS a word. If it isn't a word than how could I say it! Words are all nice and pretty, though you can't see them but you can hear then and they sound so soft and pretty and fluffy and Flubadug is the fluffiest word ever and it is also so nice and soft and pretty and puffy and fun. It takes a smartical mind to say a word as good as Flubadug! Smartical is also a nice and soft and pretty and puffy and fun word, but it's not as smartical or fluffy as Flubadug, which is the fluffiest and bestest word ever. FLUBADUG!!"

"You know, it is possible to write down words and, therefore, see them. In addition, simple speaking random syllables does not mean that they are words- it only means that you are saying something. For example, screaming like Edward just now did. Screaming is usually incomprehensible, and when it cannot be understood it usually cannot be a word. Also words must be written down in some form of dictionary, otherwise they are not regarded as words."

"So if I force the people who make dictionaries to put Flubadug in the dictionaries, then it will be a real word?"

"Um…"

"I'm gonna do that!!"

She was still cackling about attacking people to make words actual words when Ed arose behind her, having apparently woken up from his forced slumber, used his sword hand to cut the ropes, fallen ungracefully from his suspended state hitting his head on the rock as he fell, and began to walk up to us intent on destroying the girl- all when we were too wrapped up in our little conversation to hear him. Ed was very lucky. Perhaps he would have gotten another chance at hanging upside down on a rock if she'd been aware of his awakened state. Then again, she didn't have much of an attention span; thus it was unlikely she would have paid attention to Ed in his trapped state for more than around a millisecond. Then she would've found something else to attract her attention- such as to continue poking Ed's brother until he awoke so she could annoy him or knock him out herself.

Right now, however, Ed was standing just behind her, metallic arm raised, ready to deliver a finishing blow. His metal arm/sword glinted as he swung it down. Naturally, she easily ducked out of the way of his swing and proceeded to jump the admittedly small height to the top of Ed's head. She stood there swaying for a moment while both Ed and I stood paralyzed in shock of the… unusual course of action, then she decided to yank on Ed's ponytail once again.

"LEFT! LEFT! MOVE LEFT BOY!!" She appeared to be having much fun as she attempted to use Ed's ponytail as reins on the Edward Horse. Realizing what was going on, Ed began a wild swinging motion with his head which can be interpreted as either a spastic fit of anger or the motion your average horse gives to show its annoyance.

"THAT'S NOT GOING LEFT BOY! LEEEEEFT!!" How she managed to stay on Ed's head is almost as big a mystery as why she jumped up there in the first place. I resigned myself to the fact that they would be at this for a while, deciding to ignore the idiots in favor of opening 

the so called Door in the Ceiling. Reaching up with the giant hook, I waited for (as she said) the magical powers of the magic handle to attach itself to the hook. Surprisingly, it actually worked. Also surprisingly, the door opened to more of the ceiling.

"You've found what's behind my door in the ceiling. Yay!" Ed was once again trussed up like a turkey and hung upside down from the same rock cropping. He was also unconscious. The girl was surprisingly good at getting the upper hand against Ed and embarrassing him to the fullest degree. And, yep, Ed's sword arm was now wrapped tight in rope and suspended away from his body so that there was no escape for him… except for the fact that the rope suspending him was already straining and would soon dump him on the ground. I really hope he has a hard head.

"This door doesn't lead anywhere… How can you call this a door when it leading to nothing."

"It doesn't lead to nowhere, it leads to more heavy rocks that can fall on you and a Super Duper Extra Special thing I placed in the rock."

Fearing what would come next (and rightly so) I asked "What do you mean by 'special thing'?"

"Boomy Stuff!"

"Boomy stuff?"

"Boomy Stuff!!"

"Are boomy stuff, dare I say it, explosives?"

"Uh-huh!"

"Exactly how many explosives did you put up there?" I was getting a very bad feeling about this. Maybe my original assessments of the girl were incorrect. She was much worse."

"I put a ton of boomy stuff in the ceiling, two tons to be exact."

"Don't you think that two tons of explosives in an already unstable ceiling might be a tad dangerous?" I asked her, seriously worried about what her answer would be.

"Yup." She replies, holding a small black object with a large red button in her right hand.

"What are you holding?" I asked her, yet again worried about what insanity was going to pour out of the young girl's mouth next.

"A detonator." She replied in a happy singsong tone.

"For the two tons of explosives."

"Yup. It go boomy boomy boom soon."

"Don't you think that might be a bit… dangerous?"

"Yep!" Beep

That single sound spelled destruction for the poor, abused cave. Needless to say, I was not happy to be in the cave with a lunatic that had just pressed a button sealing our fate with that one sound. "Did you just press the button?" I was eyeing the protective rock outcropping Ed was hanging on. It just might provide some shelter in case of the (probably harmful) explosion.

"Wait for it…"

"You pressed i-"

"Wait For It…"

"You doomed us a-"

"WAIT FOR IT!!"

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEREEEEEEEPP

_Countdown Commencing_

_Ten_ I looked at the small girl, wondering why she had sealed her fate.

_Nine_ I also wondered why she seemed so pleased about it.

_Eight_ "Why?"

_Seven _"Cause its fun."

_Six _"Killing yourself is fun?"

_Five _"No, but blowing stuff up is."

_Four _"…"

_Three _"…"

_Two_ "I really am unlucky, aren't I."

_One_ "Yup."

_Five_ "Huh?

_Sixty Two_ Why didn't it blow up?"

_Seventeen_ "Cause it hasn't reached the detonation number yet."

_Ninety Nine _"But why is it skipping around numbers, rather than counting down?"

_Three Hundred _"Because I hooked it up to a random number generator

_Two Hundred Sixty Three Billion, Eight Hundred Fifty Seven Million, Two Hundred Five Thousand, Four Hundred Ninety Four and Five Sevenths_"Why?"

_One_ "Just cause."

_Fifty Two_ "When will it go off?"

_One Million_ "When it reaches the detonation number!"

_Twenty five_ "What's the detonation number?"

_Thirteen_ "Thirteen"

**BBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ****OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO****OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO****O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO****OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM**

I woke up to yet another chant by a young blond (Not Ed) Guess Who? Here's a hint- she is a certified loony. In fact, I am rather certain I have never met anyone even near her level of insanity in the Fire Nation Security Prison Mental Ward. I really, really worry about today's Fire Nation youth. As well as her parents. If she's this bad, imagine what her parents were like! How could they raise her without joining her in her insanity? She Willingly Blew Up her own Home! I had barely made it under the rock outcropping with the (still) unconscious brother before it exploded.

Anyway, it was time to come back to the present of the Rant from the Loony. From what I could tell, she was currently buried under quite a large pile of rocks. Every so often, her head would slowly begin to rise above the rocks, gradually getting higher and higher until it seemed like she could almost get out. Her continuous chant sounded something like this- Funfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfun funfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunufunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfu nfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunufunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfun funfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfun funfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunufunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfun funfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunufunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfun funfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfun funfunfunfunfunfunufunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfun funfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunufunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunf unfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunu funfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunf unfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunufunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfun funfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfun funfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunufunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfun funfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunufunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfun funfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfun funfunfunfunfunufunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfun funfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunufunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfun funfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunufun funfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfu nfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunufunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfun funfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunufunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfu nfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfu nfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunufunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfun (you get the picture)

Anyway, as she reached the point at which she might be able to leave the pile of rubble she was trapped in, a rock fell on top of her.

She fell back into the hole in the rocks/ground while issuing a loud and long "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNN!!"

Almost as soon as she (once again) disappeared into the rock pile, her head began to rise up (Chant Included) yet again. The process repeated itself- single falling rock on her head as well. I have no clue how long it had been going on, and it had no end in sight. After about the twentieth Cycle of Fun I began to get suspicious as to WHY the only rocks falling landed precisely on her head as well as never letting her escape from the (extremely slowly) growing pile of rocks. Thus, I got my first real look at the cave after the Idiot's Explosion.

Other than the ceiling being almost completely obliterated, the cave was almost normal. Although the floor had significantly more rocks on it. Anyway, as I was scanning what used to be a ceiling, I caught a glimpse of yellow. Moving slightly backwards, I was able to get a better look, and saw Ed. Ed was still tied up, still upside down, but he was now hanging from a small section of the ceiling that survived. What was truly amazing about this was that he was essentially twenty feet higher than he used to be.

Yes, Ed had somehow managed to defy the laws of physics, gravity, and a bunch of others by rising twenty feet while upside down due to an explosion above him that should have blown him DOWN. Why the rope seemingly came unattached from its previous rock then reattached itself (with no outside help) to a different rock… I doubt I'll ever know. I had come to expect anything normally impossible due to defying the laws that govern all life.

Now that I think about it, it was rather unlikely that two tons of explosives, set off in an enclosed area, with several people in that enclosed area, would cause this little damage. What kind of explosives cause this little damage?

"Snappers." A voice from behind me said.

"Huh?" I said as I spun around to meet the source of the voice (Which, of course, you would have to be an idiot not to guess who).

"I used snappers as the explosives in the ceiling."

"Huh?" I repeated.

"You were wondering what kind of explosive was in the ceiling, so I told you."

"Ok… but what are 'snappers'?"

"You know, the little paper balls that are like fireworks but really, really tiny and they don't hurt people and it has gunpowder inside of them that make it go Pop and you can step on it or throw it on the ground and sometimes you can find SAWEDUST in the package. POP!

"And you had two tons of those in the ceiling?"

"Yup, and they went Boomy boomy boom."

I looked at the girl a bit more, and as I did many questions floated into my head. For instance, how did this kid look into minds? How does this kid know such powerful techniques? And for goodness sake, who the heck is she?

"Magic, magic _training_, and Tensiira."

"Let me guess, you read my mind and answered the questions… again."

"Yup."

"You need a new trick."

"Yup."

"Are you going to answer all of my questions like that?"

"Depends on whether or not you ask good questions."

I sighed yet again, and decided that the girl was right. If I was going to interrogate her, it would probably be best if I asked some better questions. I should probably ask questions that give me actual information and cannot be answered with a simple "Yup" Alas, those questions would probably be answered in the most illogical way imaginable.

"Alright," I said as I sat down near the girl, "first off I'd like to ask you if Tensiira is your real name."

"If it wasn't why would I say that it was?" she replied in a sing-song tone.

"Okay... Second Question, what do you mean by 'magic'?"

"I mean magic."

"But what is magic?"

"Magic."

"What can magic DO?"

"Magical stuff."

"What kind of magical stuff?"

"Stuff like making the rope used to tie up Ed go up."

"Up? What do you mean by 'Up'?"

"I mean that it goes up, Up, AND AWAY!!."

I paused for a bit, partially to think about what she had said in our little conversation, and partially because if I didn't, I might have a rampage like my dear companion hanging from a rope that goes 'Up'.

"How far up does it go…?" I'm not sure I wanted an answer. In fact, I REALLY don't want an answer. But I would get one. Yes, I realize you're in my mind Tensiira. Now Get Out.

"Iroh's getting Cranky, Iroh's getting Cranky, Iroh's getting Cranky, Iroh's getting Cranky, Iroh's getting Cranky, Iroh's getting Cranky, Iroh's getting Cranky, Iroh's getting…"

This will go on for a while. Well, at least she didn't answer my question.

"It goes up and up and up FOREVER! Nothing can stop it once it gets outside. (except the sun and moon and white poofy clouds and random stars) Yay!"

"Don't' you think that might be a bit dangerous, Tensiira?"

"Yup. I lose the rope when it goes up and up and up and AWAY!"

"Shouldn't you be a bit more careful with whatever it is when it could kill people?"

"Killing people is Bad?"

"Yes, Everyone knows that. For goodness sake, Killing is Death!"

"If everyone knows, why do they do it? Answer THAT Grandpa Fatso!"

Trying to hide my anger at the new nickname, I replied, "They get angry."

"I like getting angry. It's Fun!"

"Let's try to calm down Tensiira, we don't want you to go on a rampage like Ed."

"FUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUFNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUN…"

_"Crap" _I thought as I looked upon the unstable girl _"What can calm this girl down? Reasoning couldn't, I probably can't understand her enough to talk at her level, and I definitely can't calm her down by force."_ Then it came to me, the one thing that no child in their right mind can resist, and the thing that can bribe all children."

"Tensiira, would you like some candy?" Just like that, Tensiira stopped. She sloooowwly turned her head, looked straight at me with an impassive face, then gave a wide maniacal grin. Oh no, what have I done…

"C A N D Y?"

"Um… Yeah, Candy."

"Candy. CANDY. candycandyCandyCandyCAndyCAndyCANdyCANdyCANDYCANDYCANDYCANDYCANDYCANDYcandyCANDYCANDYcandycandyCANDYCANDYCANDYCANDY C A N D Y!!"

"Yes, I'm offering you Candy."

"CANDY!! GIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMEEGIMEEGIMEE. CANDYCANDYCANDYcandyCANDY!!"

I paused for a moment, considering the consequences of letting this bribe attempt gone wrong continue any longer. In the end, I decided that I better come out with the truth."I personally have no candy, but Ed might." (Well it might not have been completely truthful, but it wasn't a lie… kind of sort of maybe)

"CANDY TIME!"

She looked up at Ed, grinning evilly once again, then raised her hands above her head and began shouting (I think it was supposed to be a sound-effect) "Blooooooooooo Bloooooooooo Bloooooooooo Blooooooooooo Bloooooooooo Blooooooooo" as she grabbed one of her 'magic ropes' and began rising. "Blooooooooooo Bloooooooooo Blooooooooo Blooooooooo Bloooooooooooo…" She kept screaming, kept rising up, then rose out of the cave (missed Ed by quite a bit). Then she continued rising and rising and rising until (finally) her voice shouted, "Oh No! I missed him! Drat… up, Up, AND AWAY!!" She continued to rise.

She was heard once again, (this time she was only a speck in the sky) "I… Can't… BREATHE!!"

Thus, the tiny speck in the sky that was Tensiira slowly began to enlarge, spinning all the while. Yes, she was tumbling head over heels apparently unconscious (else she would be speaking or screaming or making some other loud noise specifically to annoy me). Waking up at about one hundred feet above the ground, Tensiira ignored the fact that she was falling to her doom and instead focused on the fact that she was now approaching Ed. "Super Candy Time!"

Right when she arrived (falling at super speed) to Ed's level, she promptly reached out and grabbed him. Miraculous as it was to hold on to anything while falling at that speed, the 'magic rope' Ed was _still_ tied to came loose from the ceiling and started rising into the sky. Tensiira included, now shouting Candy at the top of her lungs and happily searching for the non-existent treat. Then she realized she couldn't find it. They were still rising.

"Give Me Candy!"

"I DON'T HAVE ANY CANDY!!" Ed was considerately less homicidal than before, but he was past what most people would call in need of anger management classes.

"Gimme candy or I'll do something GOOD!"

"Good?"

"Yes, GOOD! I've already done many bad things to you and you don't seem to care- you haven't even shed a single tear, though you have gotten angry and that is fun and since you don't care about the baddy things I do you must like bad and fear good so I'll do a really good thing for you and you'll be Powerless to stop me and you can only cry and scream and give me CANDY!!"

"You really think that's gonna work."

"YES!! munchmunchmunchmunchmunch" … Tensiira appeared to be… biting the rope holding her suspended in the air and NOT falling to her doom (no Ed to catch her this time)

Ed then said (his remarkable intelligent semi-last words), "Wait… what are you doing?"

"Munchmunchmunchmunchmunchmunchmunchmunchmunchmunchmunchmunchmunchmunch"

"Wait, um, how did we get so high? (His Actual last words) We're fifty feet above the ground!! Stop Munching- this might not be a good idea!"

"MunchmunchmunchmunchCHOMP." That's when they started falling. Two blond idiots began flailing around in the sky, falling at extremely fast speeds- one shouting unintelligible sounds, the other saying "Rope.. Tastes… BAD!" If you do not know which one is which, you have the mental capacity of those little tiny green grapes that grow on the red grape stems and are almost invisible due to their smallness but you eventually notice them and nobody wants to eat them since they look unappetizing and are really sour but eventually someone eats it to find out what it tastes like then pucker up because it's just that sour… oh no she's infected me.

Realizing that even those two couldn't survive falling about five stories, I decided that it was my duty to at least _try_ to save them (Oh, and if I didn't help and they survived… it wouldn't be pretty). I stretched out my arms in anticipation for the two blond cannonballs traveling at mach speeds. Tensiira was actually quite easy to catch, even with only one Hand (she was light, and wasn't somersaulting in the air. I think she was still choking on rope). As for Ed… well he didn't die, so that must be a good thing… I hope.

Anyway, as I stared at Ed's unconscious body (he hasn't been conscious very much has he), Tensiira opened her eyes while still being held by me. Soon her loud voice reverberated throughout what was once a cave.

"HE DIDN'T HAVE CANDY!! I WANT CANDY!! GIVE ME CANDYCANDYCANDYCANDYCANDYCANDYCANDYCANDYCANDYCANDYCANDYCANDYCANDYCANDYCANDYCANDYCANDYCANCYCANDY!!"

A question formed in my mind, which I promptly asked the small girl

"Why do you like candy so much?"

She then dismounted from my hand (more like bounced off), as well as took a couple steps away from me.

"Why do I like Candy?"

"That's what I asked."

"Candy can control all children, who most view as an untamable force. If I gain enough candy, and raise an army of small, hyperactive children, who could stop me?"

"Um…"

"That's right, NO ONE!! IF I GOT THAT ARMY THAN I WILL BECOME UNSTOPPABLE!! I WOULD MAKE MONUMENTS OUT OF CANDY, WEAPONS OUT OF CANDY, SERVANTS OUT OF CANDY, AIR OUT OF CANDY, FIRE OUT OF CANDY, AND CANDY OUT OF CANDY!! AND I WOULD BE THE ALMIGHTY RULER OF ALL THINGS CANDY!!"

I stared in wonder at the child, who had started to issue a maniacal laugh. Mixed in with this laugh was a soft beeping noise, growing progressively louder. Soon enough it had reached a volume that almost drowned out the laughing. Then a robotic voice spoke a simple, clear, and confusing statement.

"Insane-o-meter maxed, shutdown initiated."

As soon as it had finished speaking (who knows what it was), Tensiira suddenly stopped laughing and fell to the floor. For the first time since I've met her, Tensiira was not jumping, bouncing, running, blowing things up, shouting something insane, acting insane, defying the laws of life, or anything else. She was actually silent, and unmoving lying on the floor. Ah, bliss.

Then, as suddenly as she'd stopped, she started again. She was still silent. Thus, she stared at me with an uncharacteristically bland expression on her face, and I stared at her. That was when she began to speak in a rather dull voice matching her uncharacteristically bland expression.

"Why are you staring at me Iroh? It's actually a bit creepy. Tell me, did I do something stupid… Where's my Ceiling! Who Blasted out my… I did, didn't I. This is the SEVENTEENTH TIME!!"

Now I stared at her in curiosity. How had she managed to morph from an insane Tensiira wanting to rule the world with Candy to a young girl sounding mostly normal…

"That's easy- my Insane-o-meter maxed."

… Apparently she hadn't completely changed into a normal child. She still had some of her… unique qualities. Especially the part about not explaining thing- what's an Insane-o-meter anyway?

"One, I'm sorry for peering into your mind again. It's a habit, and I kinda don't know how to turn it off. Oh and that guy over there, the guy I don't think I've ever seen awake, is dreaming of kittens and giant suits of armor. Oh, and this thing that keeps eating everything… Aw, it ate the kitten! Well, anyway, as for your question- the Insane-o-meter is this thing that measures my level of insanity. It gets quite high sometimes… Anyway my level of insanity keeps rising until it reaches the limit in which if it got any higher I would explode. When it gets that high, I kind of 'reset' and go back to a mostly sane version of myself. You're probably wondering how it got so high so fast (and, no, I did not peer into your mind this time) well… you see, when I'm around people it raises a lot faster than usual. It just kinda creeeeeeeps along when I have minimum human contact, but then when I meet someone after a break it shoots up. Especially when that someone is also unstable and insane. That's probably what happened- the no contact thing combined with the insanity thing made my sanity fly out the window.

Hey… is the insane dude foaming at the mouth. Hey, He IS! Does he have Rabies. More importantly, Did he bite me… Did I bite Him! I bit him didn't I?"

"No, he didn't bite you. And No, you didn't bite him. Though you did bite and eat some rope he was tied to…"

"Was it the magic rope. It was the magic rope, wasn't it. Crap, I'm feeling the rope… Owwww Owchie Owwwch"

"Are you feeling alright?"

"How do you think I'm feeling!? I have, in my stomach, magic rope that goes UP! Ow… I think some of it got in my nose… owwwwwwwwwwwwww. Hey, I'm feeling better now! BLEAAAAUUGHT"

Bits of rope and other assorted… things started flying upwards and out of sight. "Still feeling better! Owwwwwwwww it's back… owchieeeeeeeee. I feel better again."

"Will it happen again?"

"No of course not! BLEAAAUUGHTTTIEA"

This time bits of rope flew straight into my beard while the rest joined its previous rope bits on its journey to the sun. Then my beard started to rise. I was not pleased. Not pleased at all.

"All right, this time I Really feel better. So… sorry about the beard (I think it's better now). Anyway, I wanna talk about stuff and you wanna talk about stuff so let's talk about Stuff while I'm still sane!"

"Wow… that's actually an intelligent idea! Simplified, of course, but it is a surprisingly normal idea coming from Rope-Eating Girl none the less."

"Don't make me throw up on you…"

"Sorry, sorry no insult intended"

"Oookie, I forgive you. Now, since you had such a good idea… I'll go first! Oookie… first question- Why are you hanging out with a boy from Amestris? I mean, it is rather obvious he's not from here- people don't exactly have the gold hair/eyes, nor metal arms made of Automail. He also knows Alchemy, which is unique to Amestris."

"Wait, what's Amestris? And for that matter, what's Automail?"

Tensiira looked at me for a bit, a confused look on her face

"So basically, you admit to not knowing anything about the blond maniac over there?"

"Um…well…kinda."

"In other words, you were traveling with a boy that, for all you know, could be the all powerful Crimson King from the blasted lands."

"Who?"

Tensiira sighed and then said in an annoyed voice "You know, just forget about it. We shouldn't be wasting my time as a sane individual talking about your ignorance. Instead, why don't I just explain to you a bit about Ed."

"Sounds good to me." I replied, thankful that she stopped us from wasting what might be the last time for a while to find out who she is, as well as to find out a bit about Ed.

"Great. Now first of all; Automail."

The girl then traveled over to Ed, and pulled down his right sleeve, revealing what used to be a sword, but now has become a metallic limb.

"W-What is…"

"It's Automail. Simply put it's a metallic limb that functions just about as well as a normal limb. I won't go into much detail about it, seeing as I don't exactly know how it works. It's basically really, really complicated and quite disturbing."

I went over to the young boy and touched the cool metal that was his arm. "I have never seen something even remotely like this." I said, still quite amazed at how metal could be used to create a fully functioning human arm.

"Of course you haven't ever seen anything like it, it's from Amestris."

"You mentioned that place before."

"Yep, said Ed was from there."

"Well how come I've never ever heard of it?"

"Simple, it's in another world. And unless you're a lot more magical than you seem to be, you've never been there and never will."

"Wait... did you say other _world_?"

"Yup, what's it to ya?"

"You're serious about this- you Really Think that there are other worlds out there, and that Ed came from one of them?"

"Not just think. I KNOW! I've been to bunches of them, maybe messed up the timeline and caused an apocalypse or two, but I did get there."

"… you know, I'm starting to believe you're Insane-O-Meter is getting kind of high right now."

"Are you saying I'm making this up!?"

"I'm just saying that maybe you aren't as sane as I once thought."

"Would you believe me if I got proof?"

"Well…"

"Alright then, PROOF COMING UP!!" Then she walked over to a deserted part of the cave.

She crossed her hands in front of her, a look of deep concentration on her face. She stood like this for a while, then a purple mist-like substance seemed to appear around her. Quickly, she uncrossed her arms and opened her eyes. The purple energy leapt off of her, and started to collect in front of her. The mass of purple started to take shape, becoming a large rectangular object. Columns formed around it, as well as a carving of a large arrow twining around the door. Soon, where there once was nothing, there stood a large, black gate/door.

"THERE, YA HAPPY!!" Tensiira screamed "IS THE GATE TO ANOTHER DIMENSION GOOD ENOUGH FOR MR. SKEPTICIDIDYDOODA?"

I didn't answer her question; I was too preoccupied thinking of some kind of explanation of the gate from nowhere. Alas, nothing came to mind. And I thought I might be getting used to impossible, absolutely insane things happening around Tensiira. Unfortunately, I think Tensiira took my silence to mean that I didn't believe her.

"YOU NEED MORE PROOF!? I'LL GIVE YOU SOME PROOFIDIDDYDOODA!!" That was when the gate opened, and she jumped in it. The gate doors closed. The gate disappeared. The girl was gone. It was very silent.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

After a very long (and rather awkward due to her suddenly disappearing into thin air/gate that appeared out of thin air) silence, the gate Finally reappeared. Tensiira soon busted out, holding something white and round. In a strange way, it appeared to be a demented rabbit, with its long ears and whiteness, but not including its wide, round body connected to those ears or the red stone in the middle of its forehead. Oh, and the fact that it was talking didn't make it seem any more rabbit-like.

"Mokona. Mokona. Mokona. Mokona. Mokona. Mokona"

"Hah! I Found a MOKONA from another Dimension! PROOF! See, it's all white and fluffy and it's from another dimension and I Found It! "

"Mokona Hungry!"

"It's Hungry."

"Mokona want Food!"

"It wants Food."

"Are you food?"

"It's still Hungry."

"Munchmunchmunchmunch"

"Awe, look. It's eating my hand… AHHHHHHHHH GETITOFFGETITOFFGETTITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF AHHHHHHHHH"

"Munchmunchmunchmunch"

"AHHHHHHHHH IT'S UP TO MY ELBOW AHHHHHHHHH"

"Munchmunchmunchmunch"

"AHHHHHHHHH IT'S AT MY SHOULDER AHHHHHHHHH IT ISN'T GETTING BIGGER AHHHHHHHHH"

"Munchmunchmunchmunch"

"AHHHHHHHHH IT'S GNAWING ON MY HEAD AHHHHHHHHH"

"Munchmunchmunchmunch"

"AHHHHHHHHH IT'S EATING MY mrphgurglblog" Yes the tiny creature had succeeded in eating Tensiira's head- mouth included. All that was left of Tensiira was a flailing half-a-body, which was then devoured in one large gulp. Now all that was left was a small white blob thing with large rabbit ears. It, surprisingly, had not changed size whatsoever when eating Tensiira. There was silence.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

Finally, something happened. Something extremely odd. The 'Mokona' suddenly let out a 'Puyooing'-ing sound, expanded to a ridiculously large size, opened its mouth, and out popped Tensiira; looking no worse for wear. She sat on the ground for a few milliseconds then, in typical Tensiira fashion, bounced up ten feet in the air and landed right in front of my face.

"Hey Didjaseedidjaseedidjaseedidjasee!? The white mutant bunny thingamajig ate me then I came out of the black mutant bunny thingamajig and I was in this really really weird place with weird walls and weird doors and weird people and the weird insany witchy thingy person that looked at me and the weird glasses person guy that looked at me and the weird ceiling thingamajig and the weird black mutant bunny thingamajig that decided to eat me again and then I came out here again and HEY! My Insane-O-Meter's a quarter full- High Five! Yay!"

"…"

"Sooooooooooooooo… Do you believe me about the dimension world thingamajig and all the gates and the weird things and the Edward's From One of Them thing!"

"…"

"I don't know how to take that. Sooooooooooooooo… I'm bored.

"Mokona hungry again."

"… hungry? No NO DON'T EAT ME AND SEND ME TO THE WEEEEEEIRD PLACE AGAIN!!"

"Mokona no eat you. You taste bleaughteo. Mokona want apple."

"Iroh… do you have an apple?"

"… no, I don't currently have an apple."

"Apple apple apple apple apple apple apple apple apple apple apple"

"I NEED AN APPLE!! Wait, I created a wax apple Just for a situation like this- to feed a mutant bunny rabbit!!" Tensiira then procured a apple from who knows where, which she then threw into a gate which she had, of course, created without anyone noticing. The Mokona jumped in after it a millisecond later. Faintly, a small voice could be heard shouting something like, "That No Apple!" It was a good thing Tensiira had already closed the Gate/Door's 

door… that sounded weird. Regardless, Tensiira once again bounced right up to my face and, once again, started yelling.

"So do you believe me Grandpa Fatso? 'Cause if you don't I have the Kraken lined up next!"

"Kraken? What's a Kraken?"

"Oh, you know- The Kraken! That weird folklore thingy that's like an octopus with a million arm things and it likes to latch onto the ships and drag them down to a watery grave and it likes to eat people and ships and wood and it REALLY wants to meet you! That Kraken!"

"You know, I think I'll pass on that."

"You sure…? It Reeeally wants to meet you!"

"Yes, I'm fairly sure I don't want to eat a ship-eating octopus."

"You sure…? It Reeeally wants to meet you!"

"YES I'm SURE that I Don't want to see it!!"

"Awww, that stinks… can I put your head in to see it?

"No…"

"Your arm? 'cause you can live without your arm!"

"No!"

"What about your fingers? Your Toes? Your shoulder? Ooooh, what about your beards- can I throw your beard in with the Kraken? No, Wait; I have a better idea! Can you blast some fire in with it! Make a Big Fireball to meet him!"

"… sure, I'll give the Kraken some fire."

"Yay!" Tensiira then looked at the gate/door that had never disappeared and shouted for it to open. It got much, much bigger. Then the door opened. Tensiira, true to her word, had a giant octopus-like Kraken right inside the gate that was currently staring at me, roaring at the top of its voice, and attempting to come out of the gate. Deciding that she probably Wouldn't close the gate until she got her fire, I quickly punched a fireball towards it. It caught on fire. Then Tensiira closed the Gate, which quickly returned to normal size.

Tensiira pranced up to the gate again (she'd stood behind me to see the fireball at maximum destruction) and stuck her head through the door. "Grandpa Fatso! The Kraken's on fire! It think he's running around like a headless chicken looking for water! OOOOOHHHH he's running towards my pile of papers! Yay! WAIT! Isn't that were I kept my-"

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM"

"-explosives. NOOOOO… Wait a minute… Iroh killed the Kraken! Yay! Iroh killed the Kraken, Iroh killed the Kraken, Iroh killed the Kraken, Yay!"

"Tensiira, just so you don't get us killed, I believe you about the other dimensions."

"So I don't have to show you the nine-tailed demon fox that is the physical manifestation of evil and likes to destroy things and kill people and make big explosions and is like a giant furball that leaves a trail of destruction in its wake and would eat you the second it saw you? I can bring you to him if you want… he wouldn't follow me into my gate and he was locked up in a different gate seal thingamajig and I think I got him angry…"

"No, you most definitely do not have to show me any other dangerous creatures. Or non-dangerous, for that matter."

"What about semi-dangerous?"

"No, no creatures of any kind from inside the gate."

"What about Beasties?"

"No"

"Goblins?"

"No"

"Ghosties? Zombies? Evil Talking Pumpkins? Creepy Crawlies? Monsters? Demons? Evil Creatures with no Compassion? Lawyers? Old Men who like to Ramble On and On and On? Corrupt Business People? Stupid People? Stupider People? Stupidest People? Stupid People with High Paying Jobs? A Giant Mountain?"

"NO Tensiira, don't bring anything else into this cave. Or anyplace else on this world. Especially not geographical landmarks."

"… meanie."

"… Shouldn't you tell me HOW the gate thing works? Or, for that matter, how you can do that?"

"Oookie, I'll tell you. Well… its kinda a connection thing between the different worlds where each place has its own gate that leads to that world. There's a whole bunch of gates there and they each look very, very different and stuff. And also, I think I'm the only one right now who can go to that gate world by myself. There used to be a whole entire race and stuff, but I don't know what happened to them and stuff so now it's only me. Though there are people scattered around the different dimensions who can use the ability, but they are few and far between. Anyway, As to how I do it… well I just kinda want it open and it opens. It takes a bit of time though. Then I pick a gate that looks pretty and open it and see where it goes and goes there and I does stuff and I mess everything up. For some reason, I also get the basic thingamajig of what happened so I know a bit about where I go."

"What about the mindreading, magic, and other impossible tasks you can do?"

"I learned that stuff in another world. You'd be surprised how many different fighting styles and different things the people can do. Going around and around worlds all the time got boring, so I started to learn the stuff and the stuff thingamajigs to do stuff and it made life a lot more Fun! Yay!

Alright! I've talked about stuff and you've talked about stuff but Ed and Al has Not! Wakey wakey time… The girl walked slowly up to Ed, picked up a bucket of water and- wait, wait that's way to overdone. The girl walked slowly up to Ed, picked him up by his ponytail, and began shaking him Violent- wait, wait I've already done that. The girl walked slo-"

"Why are you narrating yourself?"

"…the girl looked at the Grandpa Fatso and said 'It sounds cool'."

"… it really doesn't sound all that 'cool'."

"The girl considered killing the old Fatso, but realized that the man's oldness and fatness might infect her if she got too close. The girl instead decided to travel over to the unconscious homicidal maniac and his brother in her search for entertainment."

"Would you mind stopping that? It is rather creepy."

"The All Powerful Tensiira will not bow to the idiotic requests of such a weak old Grandpa Fatso!"

"… Will you at least stop using that nickname? It is quite insulting."

"The All Powerful Tensiira will not bow to the idiotic requests of such a weak old Grandpa Fatso!"

"Sigh Will you at least get on with waking the two boys up? Just scream in their ear a bit if you need an idea."

"The All Powerful Tensiira is only following your request because the All Powerful Tensiira wishes it! The All Powerful Tensiira only does what she wishes! YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER WHAT THE ALL POWERFUL TENSIIRA DOES!!"

"Just get on with it. And for goodness sake, Stop Narrating Yourself!"

"… jerk."

"Tensiira…"

"I'm going, I'm going… pyromaniac time."

"PYROM- oh no, you're going to play with fire some more."

She held out her hand (mumbling a word that may or may not actually exist under her breath) and stood over the first of her victims- Ed. I was very disturbed by her smile… "Wakey wakey Edward…"

**EXTRA SPECIAL SUPER DUPER AFTER STORY AUTHORS NOTE!! **HA! You thought you got rid of us, didn't you! WELL YOU'RE WRONG! We are Here Today to tell you that We Have A Poll on our Homepage!

Valdo and I have planned several other stories and one-shot, but we can't decide which one should be our priority (After this one, of course). So please take the time out of your measly, unmeaningful lives which, amazingly, are probably much more socially active than ours (Not saying much really) and Vote in our Poll! Just go up to the top and click the little icon that says Valdo- Author. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT CLICK ON THE EVIL RABITS OF DOOM BESIDE IT!! THEY WILL EAT YOU ALIVE WHILE YOU SLEEP TEN YEARS FROM NOW!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! I put them there. Yay!


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